I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
