best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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