glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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