You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
