yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
