you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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