Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
