New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
