If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
