what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
