I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
