Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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