Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
