I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
