Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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