Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
