Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
