The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
