She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
