she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
