She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
