I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
