Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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