I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
