I could make wine with my vomit
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
