I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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