Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
