dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
