Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
