All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
