when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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