is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
