i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
