so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
worst night to have a conscience
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
