So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
