i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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