I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
