i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
