That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
