4 words: hood of his car
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
