I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
