Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
