i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
