2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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