Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
