I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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