Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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