i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
