I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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