He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
